Worst Music 2008: The Greatest Man that Ever Lived

Weezer Strikes Again

After covering so much that is positive in music from 2008, we now come to this – the worst that the year had to offer. The discovery is no longer so surprising; we again find Weezer responsible for the greatest lack of quality. But the surprise is that they’ve managed to top even themselves in crafting the worst song in their entire catalogue.

The Red Album: Lyrical Abomination

Before we proceed, I’d like to discuss the polished turd that is Weezer (The Red Album). I’ve tried to write a review for this, and I find the act very difficult. On the one hand, we see Weezer hit a pre-Green Album height with the witty and catchy “Pork and Beans.” This song alone would probably carry most albums to moderate critical approval – it’s a heavy hitter and well constructed.

But they managed to ruin everything. Every other song on the album is completely terrible. Particularly, the lyrics are cringe-worthy across the board, offering weak rhymes and terrible images. The whole thing seems lazy and half-assed (not even forced – just awful). There are so many examples of such weakness that it is difficult to articulate the entirety of what The Red Album offers.

“Troublemaker” is an immediate offender, where lazy couplets such as “books” rhymed with “crooks” try to convey some inspiration. I only see the use of a free rhyming website. Things only worsen when Cuomo states

“‘cuz I can’t work a job like any other slob / punching in and punching out and sucking up to Bob / Marrying a biotch having seven kids.”

Fortunately, you can’t hear the vocal inflection in such a textual form. Unfortunately, if you do (and please do not) listen to the song, a terrible discovery jumps right out – “biotch” is rhymed with “kids.” Do not ask how (something like kee-odds is pronounced), just run away.

“Heart Songs” only manages to show great insincerity with very weak lyrics. The entire catch is Cuomo referencing important songs that have guided him throughout his life (“heart” songs). Unfortunately, the turning point is a poorly structured reference to Nirvana’s breakthrough Nevermind. Simply, the effort put forth to keep the phrases a uniform syllabic length is obnoxious. Such change in cadence shows throws the listener askew and is extremely distracting. It’s really disheartening to remember that Weezer once put together tight songs like “Say It Ain’t So.”

As a final reference point, “Everybody Get Dangerous” has one of the simplest ways of offending – creating a stupid chorus. Yes, everything else is idiotic (the negation of cow-tipping because “I didn’t want the cow to feel sad” is especially groan-worthy), but the refrain stands tall and makes this one of the most moronic songs ever.

“Boo-yah”

Yeah. Seriously. I cannot make this up. The statement “Everybody get dangerous” is followed up with a “boo-yah.” Please make them stop.

The Worst Song of All Time

In the past, I may have described Weezer’s “Beverly Hills” as the worst song of all time. I assumed that no band could ever match the insane levels of pure suck that were displayed in that recording. Little did I know – Weezer would make everything even worse.

I just can’t begin to wrap my head around what they were thinking in even constructing this song. It starts at the point where we last saw Weezer work to achieve new points in “awful.” Yes, they’re rapping again, now with terrible lyrics about getting in someone’s underwear. But the song is full of 10-second outbursts of sound that gravitate around a central guitar riff that appears throughout. So the rapping ends.

And then you pray that it returns. Instead of improving, Rivers Cuomo uses falsetto. This sounds worse than even the lowest of American Idol rejects, and you cry out in pain.

The schizophrenia on display continues as Weezer jumps into a guitar pop that holds their patented sound from the past. But this is only momentary as synthetic sounds hop in and fill out the sound, segueing into another awful segment.

Here, Rivers Cuomo talks about being a “player.” And then it happens. He tell us:

“And bodies be all up on my behind.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it is over. We have lost the nerdy, introspective Weezer that once filled our ears with joy and wonder. It has been replaced by a commercialized, fame-seeking band that only moves toward greater sales.

I think that for our sakes, we should now describe “old” Weezer as the real version of the band. At present, this collaboration of people under the Weezer name is not creating music to match the legacy. It sucks.

Now we can only look forward to each Weezer release and wonder what terrible song they’ll create next. Our ears can only hope that they quit trying to outdo themselves every time.

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